The hardest part of being home is knowing on certain days I’m 7.5 min away from the one guy I would walk a thousand miles for. The one guy I would jump through flaming hoops to prove I’m in love with him. The worst part is he doesn’t need me to… He already knows. I could drive over to his house, do the most romantic screenplay scene, tell him how much he means to me and for some reason all it would do is break both of our hearts all over again.
We WERE the “It” couple. The couple whose love could move a mountain and make Nicholas Sparks books look too surface. We were different from any highschool sweethearts we ever met and everyone knew it… When you glow so much a DQ manager/stranger comes and interrupts your study date to tell you that your relationship is so beautiful it’s inspiring and that if you should never break up, something’s up. But we did. He let the idea of losing me to a city 6 hours away from his college town scare him so much we went on a “college life break” and I chose no him over the idea of waiting 4 years to see where we were…and I don’t regret it. Cause I cope with letting memories sting and he copes by getting drunk and turning into a guy the guy I love would hate.
All of that to say I’m tired of people saying true love only happens once in a lifetime or “you have to settle for second best” … I do not and will not believe that a God who loves me as dearly as He does wants me to lose the guy I’m madly in love with to be with a guy who doesn’t out do it. Sure, I was stupid and have been for the last 21 mts. I have settled and refused to get over the guy I’m so obviously not going to be with again. I have prayed continually for God to take the pain and memories out of my mind so I can focus on becoming the woman He is creating in me, but its my own fault when a song, place, or movie sends me right back to his memories. I allow myself to be in pain. But no more.
The last month has been the wildest journey with my true love, my Jesus, as He has slowly but surely revealed His plans for me. He has given me His vision for my standards and who I should build my life with. And it is so beautiful only the Creator could plan it. He has worked on my broken heart and pushed its limits so much further than I knew possible. He has opened the eyes of my heart to see his beauty and the needs of hurting so much more than I realized I needed. And He has shown me that my pain was never in vain.
I fail. On a pretty constant basis. I was the one who allowed myself to sit at a booth my highschool sweetheart and I used to share his breaks at. I was the one who let myself grieve over what I lost. But God never left me and He never will. It’s a process. Some days are good and some days are bad. But regardless of the type of day or how much I let the memories hold me down, Jesus has His hand out ready to pull me back and walk more on this journey. This journey of loving myself for who He created me to be and this journey towards the man of literally my dreams.
I am meant to be with a man who shares my love of Christ. Who pushes me to be more than I knew I could be. Who fights with me until I wanna give up but never stops loving me. Who brings me Starbucks on bad days and finds warmth in my hugs and my smile. Who makes me so happy I think I’m gonna burst and makes me forget the guys who broke me. Who is gonna set the world on fire and love on the broken of the world with me. I know this, not because I believe it’s what I deserve and I’m a princess… I know it because I let myself open up to Jesus and when I did He intimately wiped every tear and told me “I love you SOOO much that I don’t want you to settle for less than My plan… You are more than your past, and boy do you have a future…”
I continually fall more and more in love with Jesus… And one day when His timing is perfect I’m gonna fall in love with a man even more perfect for me than the one I left behind.
No more regrets. No more settling.
I accidentally told my best friend I wanna marry him at 4:30 in the morning in our first fight ever. He got mad cause I called him stupid and said I didn’t wanna see him. Consequensly, I don’t wanna marry him, I think he is the smartest guy I know, and I miss him like crazy. So how do I grieve? I realize it’s me and my ex’s would-have-been 2.5 year half-anniversary so I went to get milk and cookies where he used to work and sat in a booth cause that’s what we always did when I was sick or upset.
This has by far been the most unHolly-like day ever. Can I please get a redo?
I can’t help but wonder what my 17 year old self would think about the way I think about that year… Was it truly that amazing or am I in love with thinking it was? I can’t help but believe that if I could do it all over again I’d make it last. I would be the girlfriend and best friend I should have been and not the princess they allowed me to be. Then again, maybe my life now is better, I just don’t see past my memories…
JHAEKDJC <3 Wouldn’t I like to know…
Do. Something. About. It. If you miss me, stop glaring at me. Stop bashing me. Stop making me feel like I’m trash. Stop making it so hard for me not to hate you. I don’t write people off, you know that. Maybe if you stopped holding your grudge and pride so highly, you’d find I might miss you too. Might. Balls in your court.
… pretty sure Tumblr keeps me sane.